Behind Glasson Doors
by CathStories69
Summary: From the day of the non-wedding, this story is of Louisa's thoughts, emotions and point of view with a few twists and turns to the classic storylines. I have attempted to write about the details we did not see on screen whilst staying as true as possible to the characters. Reviews welcome!
1. Chapter 1

Behind Glasson Doors

Chapter 1

It was coming to the end of a warm, summer's day in Portwenn and a slight, petite ten year old was wondering the streets looking for somebody. There was not a soul in sight and she could feel the sun burning the back of her neck and it felt as hot as a desert wind. After a full day in school, she was tired and hungry. The plaits in her hair were ropey and her feet felt as heavy as lead. The light began to get dimmer so she headed home. There was a muffled roar as she wondered past the pub but she had already looked in there. Her home was just the same as when she returned from school, empty and quiet. There was no note left for her today- strange. She picked up a knitted blanket and retired to bed. She lay there listening to the waves, waiting until her father came home. This little girl was of course, Louisa Roberta Glasson.

Louisa still felt ten years old at this moment in time, laying in bed listening to the waves. A raft of emotion came with this memory and the tears ran down her face in a similar trail as would a lazy river. She gave in and went downstairs where her chair and cold cup of tea sat from just a few hours earlier. As she sat, she stared out of her cottage's glass doors. Watching the sea, she sometimes wondered if it reflected her own emotions and thoughts. It had been a sort of friend to her, the sea. From the day she was born, it was always there, always by her side. The tide would come in and back out again. In and out, like clockwork, consistent. Sometimes, it was the only consistency present in her life. Louisa walked closer to the doors to get a better view of the village. Her village. Although there was only the glow of street lamps and the dark blue outline of houses to see at 4.25am, it was flooded with memories for Louisa. Every summer's morning before school, Louisa would make her way down to the Platt, saying 'Hello' to the same faces which usually included Bert and Joan and back then, a very fashionable Sally Tishell. In her pleated skirt and patent shoes, she would throw a few pebbles into the sea before making her way back up the hill to get to school. No matter what age, Louisa had always loved the sea air and would always put a bounce back in her stride. However, it now felt as though all of this was being dragged away from her and it was still very surreal.

Louisa sighed. It had been only four days since she and Martin decided not to marry. Everyday since had been a constant battle of anxiety. The fluster she may get into if she bumped into him in the street. The questions she knew they village gossipers had on their lips, without them even saying a word. It was all too much so in exactly four hours, Louisa would be leaving for good. Her new home was London, even if the thought alone did make her feel nauseous. She sat back down. She wondered if anything, ever would heal her broken heart.

XXX


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The train journey to London felt as long as the wall of China. Louisa thought she may never arrive. She had spent the majority of the journey holding back tears as the beautiful, green landscape around her changed to cement and modern builds. None of this was familiar to her. There was only one thought occupying her brain at this time and of course, it was Martin.

She wished she had said goodbye before leaving, explain her rationale to the people she loved, but she just couldn't do it; she had not a crumb of emotional strength left within her. At 5.30am that morning, she had taken a walk. The weather was as cold as stone but she had not slept a wink and felt she needed to say one last goodbye. First stop was the school, the place she adored. She was teaching Year two just up until the day before and become overwhelmed with emotion when the bell rang for the very last time; for her anyway. The beautiful chapel-like building had played a major part in her life. Louisa opened the gate and stood on the school's grounds. Her early years at the school still so vivid to her and she begins to sob again. Wiping her tears on her sleeve, she takes a sharp intake of breath. Of course a lot had changed since Louisa was young but so much was still the same. This was the concrete she had scuffed her own knees on and the scarily shallow fencing over the cliff edge. Even back then she would get anxious about the boys getting too close to the edge and would encourage them to move. They used to laugh at her but her care and concern for others was ingrained into her, even then. School had been her haven when Mum and Dad weren't getting along so well. And then there was the building directly opposite the school; the residency of Martin Ellingham. Louisa stared at his house and felt deep, deep sadness. Already, she missed him. They had their fair share of arguments over the years but the thought of living without him was overwhelming. She couldn't marry him but also couldn't quite manage without him. She wandered if Martin felt as fragile as she was but promptly remembered why exactly she couldn't marry him. 'He can't show you any love, Louisa. You know that by now' she whispered to herself. They had known each other for over three years and had become increasingly close over the last few weeks. 'I know he loves me' thought Louisa 'But do I love him? Or do I just love to hate him?' Louisa pondered. Whatever the answer was, it was all over now. 'Thank you for always being there...Doctor.' Louisa gave the smallest smile before moving on.

Louisa had walked up the hill that sat just after Mrs. Tishell's pharmacy. Although it was getting lighter, there was still not a soul in sight but Louisa knew that the fishermen would be starting their shifts in about forty minutes. She took a look at the village in all it's glory. Louisa smiled, 'I am so privileged to have grown up here' Louisa thought. She was filled with nostalgia as she gazed over the roofs of Portwenn, all appearing joined like some sort of bizarre jigsaw. That was the true beauty of Portwenn; Everybody being joined together. And because of that, Louisa never had the opportunity to feel lonely. Louisa titled her head back to look at the now, disappearing stars. Louisa loved the stars and everything she ever loved owned a tiny piece of her heart; just like the people of Portwenn. It was time to stop reminiscing and get on with the reality staring her in the face. 'Goodbye Portwenn' was all she could say. She blew a kiss into the air before walking back to her cottage.

Louisa began dragging her suitcases and backpack through a very busy London street. There were so many people, she felt as though she were a sardine...amongst many other sardines! Just prior to her move, Louisa had very luckily found a one bedroom flat near where Holly lived but nowhere near as lavish. As much as she had grown to love Holly and after many years, knew her very well, Louisa knew her well enough to know that she would not be able to live with her. Southfield Road was where her new flat sat. Louisa had not told Holly the full extent of recent happenings but knew she would need to speak to her soon; Holly had been so helpful and kind over the past few days that Louisa owed her an explanation at the least. Louisa had phoned Holly the day after the non-wedding after crying all day. Louisa had cried a river and felt washed out completely.

'Hi Holly, It's Louisa'

'Hi Lou! So good to hear from you. I've just got back from my annual committee meeting. Plenty of Prosecco! Ha! How are you?

'Err, ok. Actually, no- not all that good.' Before Holly had a chance to ask any questions, Louisa continued...

'So I was just wondering if I could still take up the offer of a job at your school? It's going to be a long-term arrangement'

'Oh Lou' Holly said. 'Of course, just let me know when you can start. You sound terrible. Have you been having more trouble with Mark?'

'Martin. And well, er, sort of but so sorry, somebody's at the door, I must go. I will call you again soon'. Louisa broke down.

There was nobody at the door but there was no way she could receive the Spanish inquisition from Detective Holly. Not Today.

So here she was, three days later beginning the rest of her life. She arrived at her new flat which was on the ground floor and seemed satisfactory. It was painted mainly Magnolia with a dark blue front door. It had a small but modern kitchen and bathroom and her bedroom was of good size, the small bay window looking out to the street where cars parked. There was already a bed that she could lay on which she was extremely thankful for; it had been the longest journey. She lay in the dead silence of her flat. You could hear a pin drop although she would hear no waves here. Whilst staring at the ceiling, Louisa wondered what Martin might be doing and whether anybody had noticed her absence yet. 'Probably not' she thought. She had told her old friend Caroline about her departure and asked her if she could just let a few people know; Louisa didn't want to worry anybody but would have found face-to-face encounters too emotional.

'Louisa. Louisa! LOUISA! It's time to get up!' Terry Glasson shouted up the stairs.

Louisa rolled out of bed and made her way downstairs where often, beans and toast would be waiting for her.

'Nothing but the best beans on toast for my Princess' Terry joked.

Louisa rubbed her eyes and smiled before sitting down.

'Mmm, So yummy. Thanks Dad'.

'That's alright. So... you're Mother is meeting Greg today and I need to speak to somebody later at the Crab.' Terry said wirily.

'Who's Greg?' Louisa looked puzzled.

'Ah. Somebody who could be a potential business partner for Mum. But the point I'm getting to is that nobody will be here after school, ok?'

'Are you going to watch the horses again, Dad? Please don't. We could watch here at home.'

'No. not the horses. A man at the Crab! Anyway...' Terry continued, 'There's some pie in the fridge for you, love'.

With Louisa giving Terry a knowing look, he simply smiled at her and said 'Dad loves ya!' before winking at her.

'Louisa! LOUISA!' Louisa bolted upright. She had been asleep and Bang... she was back in London, with still no Martin in sight.

XXX


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It was crowded. So completely crowded and overpriced. Louisa felt like a fish out of water and it was probably evident via her body language. People kept nudging her chair as they walked past. Some apologised, some didn't. This wasn't they type of coffee shop she was used to, but it was where Holly wanted to meet. Louisa uncomfortably brushed the side of her hair with her fingers. 'Where on earth are you?' Louisa thought, 'Come on, Holly' Louisa whispered. Then, the new, cherry red Mercedes caught her eye and the bottle blonde got out, it was Holly. Finally. Louisa swallowed.

'Hi Lou!' Holly burst into the coffee shop,

Louisa stood and hugged her friend, 'Hi Holly, How are you doing?'

'Very good, let me just get an espresso'

Louisa could feel Holly's eyes stare at her, just like a hawk's. All Louisa could do was plaster a false smile to her face. She pretended to look out the window and back Holly came.

'So what's going on?' Holly asked.

'Well, a bit of this and that...'

'Ok let's cut to the chase, You look terrible, Lou. What has he done to you? If there was violence involved...' Louisa stopped her in her tracks and suddenly felt defensive.

'No! no no, not that at all Holly!' Louisa felt the most secure with Martin, his hands comforted her like a soft blanket, his words often stung but physical force? Never. And so Louisa began running through the worst day of her life.

'Urm, so we had set a date to get married. But er, we decided to call it off...that very day.' Her hands were shaking like leaves in an autumn wind and Holly noticed.

'Oh Lou'

Louisa nodded 'So here I am.'

'Martin bloody Chippenham' Holly said quite angrily.

'Ellingham' Louisa corrected her. She sat during the whole conversation with her head ducked. Staring at her hands, she couldn't look up- she may crumble into a million pieces.

'What has he said to you since? Any hint of an apology?'

'Not quite. We haven't spoken'

'If I had the time on my hands, Lou, you know I'd be banging on his door right now! You're too good for him and always have been!'

Louisa couldn't agree or raise her head for that matter.

'Listen, I know this must be an emotionally disrupted time for you...' Holly continued.

'Emotionally disrupted? What on earth does that mean?' Louisa thought but didn't have the energy to verbalise.

'...But you're in London now, you can have any man you like. Tell you what, why not come along to the book club that I host every Tuesday evening, at my place? Some singles attend that are ready to mingle' Holly gave a flirtatious look. Louisa looked horrified.

'No Holly, that really isn't what I want right now. But I just wanted to say thank you for everything, so far. Really.' Louisa gave another forced smile.

'Hhmm about that...' Holly, all of a sudden began behaving shyly.

'What do you mean? Please don't say there is no job' Louisa was emotionally fraught as it was.

'There is a job, there is. Teaching Assistant...' before Louisa could squeeze in another word, Holly ploughed on...

'They filled the teaching post just a few days before you phoned, I had no idea you were coming here, Lou. But I'll give you a little premium, with your experience and all' Holly winked.

It was not ideal and finances would be even more strained now but Louisa understood. She would still be doing what she loved, well sort of.

The wind blew Louisa's ponytail haywire on her way back to the flat. Strands of hair blowing around her face like a kind of uncontrollable snake. She wasn't feeling her best and the news of her new job felt like another blow. She inhaled a deep breath. Polluted, musky air. She sat on a bench at the side of the Thames. Louisa stared at the brown water from where she sat. It was as dark as Holly's espresso from just an hour ago. It wasn't far from here, she thought, where Martin had trained as a surgeon. This was the exact same view that he would have looked at everyday also. She had a sneaky suspicion that Martin actually did hate London and much preferred the country. 'I bet he'd love to catch his own salmon' Louisa thought and giggled to herself. Martin- such a battered soul.

Louisa's legs swung as she sat on the cold, hard bench. She wore a beautiful yellow dress. It was slightly ill-fitting due to its purchase from a charity shop but still beautiful, she thought.

'Dad, where is Mum?' Louisa asked. It was normal not to see her for five or six days but she hadn't seen her for almost three weeks now.

'Ah well' Terry turned his head away.

There was a silence, even at the fragile age of twelve, Louisa could sense that bad news was on the way.

'Dad, I want to speak to her.'

Terry put his arm around her. This was painful for him as it was for her. 'Ok so your Mother. Urm, with Greg. She's gone to Spain to work... and to live.' Louisa looked her Father in the eye. She was confused, deeply confused.

'Mum has moved to Spain, and we're here?' She was very accustomed to having no Mother present most times, sometimes both parents but she was struggling with this information. Terry nodded. He felt unbelievably sad for his daughter. Such a bright, beautiful, diamond of a daughter.

'But why? She could work here in Portwenn? Or even Exeter? There are lots of pubs in Exeter.' Louisa began to sob. Terry also began to well up and took his daughter into a tight embrace. Louisa had never been held so tight. She then felt the unexpected soft lips of her Dad on her forehead accompanied by a single tear that embedded itself in her thick fringe.

'Don't cry, Princess.' Terry attempted some reassurance.

'What did I do, Dad? Something to upset Mum?' Already, Louisa began self-blaming. A trait that would never _really_ leave her.

'Nothing! Don't ever ask that again!' Terry replied.

'I just want to ask an important question, Dad. Urm...The day that I was born, urm were you and Mum happy? About me?' Louisa was almost dreading the answer. Terry chuckled.

'Happy? We were over the moon!' Terry began looking nostalgic. There was a story coming, Louisa knew him a bit too well.

'22nd of September. Seems like last week. Your Mum had been in labour all through the night, with no sign of any baby. We were beginning to think your Mum just had severe indigestion' Both Terry and Louisa laughed.

'You definitely kept us waiting. The midwives were all running around your Mum trying to calm her- you know what she's like' Terry gave Louisa a knowing look, Louisa just listened.

'I think all of Truro heard her scream. And then, just before 7am, the clouds disappeared gave way to the sun, the flowers looked to be blooming and my darling daughter arrived... with the darkest hair I have ever seen on a baby, by the way.' They both laughed again. Terry continued...

'On Saturday, me and you are going to jump out of bed at 6am and we will go to Newquay to do some fishing- your favourite. If it's hot, we'll get a chocolate ice cream too.' He said enthusiastically.

Just in that moment, Louisa brushed herself off and had no option but to become an adult. Never again did she cry over her Mum, or not in front of anybody, anyway. Louisa leaned her head on Terry's chest and spent the rest of the evening watching the sea in a pregnant silence. Just the two of them now and they were the best of friends.

Louisa began making her way back to the flat in London. 'Is this what its all about?' Louisa questioned herself, 'People entering your life and then leaving?'

'Martin, a battered soul? So am I.' Louisa thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Louisa tapped the side of her mug which held her cup of tea, biting one side of her lip as she sat waiting for the very first bell to ring. It was her first day at St. Barton's primary school. She knew she would be assisting with Year one but had no prior visits or meetings due to the rush of everything. The school was a fairly old, red brick building but had been beautifully modernised throughout. Every classroom was painted in calming pastel colours including all the facilities any child would ever need. That was one thing Louisa had to give Holly credit for; she took immense pride in anything that was hers. At the age of nineteen, she once hired a cleaner to clean her tiny room at University accommodation- Holly would much rather starve than have an unkempt room, 'I bet she still has a cleaner' Louisa smiled to herself. They were two friends at complete opposite ends of the spectrum and they were both fully aware of this but they had been through a lot together over they years and Holly really had been a good friend. Again, Louisa's mind took her back to her school days at Portwenn. Holly and her were from very similar backgrounds; Holly's family always had a good income and they weren't quite as dysfunctional as Louisa's family -By her own admission but Holly's parents had divorced when she was very young. Holly was the youngest of four girls and had moved to Portwenn from Bude at the age of about five, if Louisa remembered correctly. Holly's father would pick her up and take her to Bude every weekend, until her father passed away when she was fourteen. They caught the bus together everyday to head for Wadebridge Secondary School. Louisa was the quiet, reserved one whereas Holly had an opinion about everything, even back then, but one thing they both _did_ have in common; their passion to educate every child in their reach as best as they could. They both had that fire burning within them. 'Maybe to prevent any child going through what we did' Louisa thought '...Or maybe not' she wondered but school had emotionally supported her through almost everything and she wanted to be the go-to person as soon as she qualified. The councillor, the friend, the mother figure- Louisa wanted to become everything that her Mother was not. The bell rang.

She had a bounce in her stride walking into her new class, 'A really big class' Louisa noted.

'Are you Miss Glasson?' A pretty, young lady asked her.

'Yes' Louisa smiled and held out her hand...'Louisa Glasson'.

'Ah, nice to finally meet you. Holly has said a lot about you' The young lady smiled before continuing..

'Sorry, I'm Kate North, teaching the ever excitable Year one here!'

Louisa was slightly taken aback, 'So young' she thought, but she seemed lovely and that was a big relief to Louisa.

'It all seems so lovely and it's great to be working with you, Miss North' Louisa was excited.

'Is that a country accent I hear?' Kate asked

'Yes' Louisa laughed and said proudly, I'm from a tiny village called Portwenn, North Cornwall.'

'Ah yes' Kate remembered, 'I had an aunt who lived in Exeter. So all of my holidays were in Cornwall, but I haven't visited for many years now. Anyway, Welcome. And please make yourself at home!'

'Not likely' Louisa thought but knew Kate meant well. Kate was friendly but firm, approachable but professional, 'and that's what makes a good teacher' Louisa thought, nodding subtly.

With a class of over thirty children, there was very little time for anything except constant teaching and learning, but right at the end of the day, Miss North read a story to them. 'What a great way to get the kids settles and ready to go home' Louisa was impressed,

'It's my favourite time of day' Kate whispered.

Louisa sat amongst the children and felt almost as sleepy as they did. At times during the day, Louisa could let her mind run away with her. As she sat, she could almost imagine being back in Portwenn primary. The sea sitting just outside the window with boats bouncing on top. The bright, blue sky staring down at the equally bright, green fields. And...Martin...Only a stone throw away. But not anymore. Again, the bell rang. It was the end of the school day.

It was nearing mid-November so the room was as hot as a sauna. It was small but cosy and was beginning to show some character. Louisa collapsed on the sofa in her living room as soon as she walked through the door, as she now did most days. She had lived here for almost two weeks now, two weeks, and the situation still made her feel incredibly exhausted and nauseous. She rubbed her forehead with her fingers, 'Will this tiredness ever go away?' Louisa sighed to herself. She picked up her mobile. Still nothing. No phone call. No message. She feared she may be waiting for a message that may never arrive. She was exhausted and her eyes began to close as she lay on the sofa.

Her phone lit up. 'Could it be!?' Louisa thought. It was. A phone call from Martin, 'I'm so very sorry, Louisa. I know you're in London and that may be the best place. I just don't love you. I don't love you. It's time to let go now, Louisa, it's time to say goodbye. Let go now...Let go...'

Louisa pushed herself up from the sofa and had to be sick. Another nightmare. She was also tired of feeling so rotten. After making it to the bathroom, she out her face in her hands, 'You have to get over this, Louisa!' she told herself firmly, 'This is _not_ the end of the world- even if it feels like it.' And at the worst possible moment, the loud knock on the door felt like a siren to her sensitive ears. She winced and made her way to the door in a bewildered state. 'Oooh who is it?' she said to herself, quietly. She did recognise the shadow on the other side of the door; a tall, strong stature. She unclipped the lock and there he stood, as if she hadn't seen him for a thousand years but, oh so familiar at the same time.

'Hello, Miss Glasson!'

'Steven?!' She was still bewildered.

'How's my baby sister?' Steven said, giving Louisa the biggest bear hug. A bear hug that she needed so desperately.

Steven James Glasson, her older brother by thirteen years. He had left home by the time Louisa was three so she actually knew very little about him but he would turn up in her life at random times, out of the blue, over the years. She never really knew where he was either, she thought he was in Australia, but here he was, in her West London lounge. They were almost identical, obviously he was a bit more aged than she was and he was a bit taller too but their facial features and colouring were almost exactly the same. Louisa smiled when she looked at him. She felt a sense of familiarity, a warm, comforting feeling in her tummy. She wanted to squeeze him as tight as she could and never let him go. He was always the one to remind her, she was not alone on this planet. He too, had the same parents, brought up the same way, with the same unconventional methods, and he was just a warm presence...well, when he _was_ present. Louisa did not at all blame him for that, he too must have searched for some sort of family substitute.

'Heard my baby sister's had a rough time' Steven was genuinely concerned.

'Hmm. You could say that' She tried to force a giggle, it didn't work.

'I'm living in London now too, and when I heard you were here, I had to come straight over.'

'But how did you know?' Although Louisa could probably guess how; Holly.

'You've lived in Portwenn all your life, they wont let you escape just like that' Steven rolled his eyes.

'Listen,' He continued 'I've been told about this...Martin. I know that's all you want, more than anything, is to settle down. I'll never forgive Mum, you know.'

Louisa became immediately defensive whenever her Mother was mentioned, 'Oh, we don't really need to talk about Mum again, do we?'

Steven sighed, 'I will never know how Terry Glasson and Eleanor Tremaine made something as beautiful as you!'

Louisa began sobbing and sobbing, and just couldn't stop. Steven held her tightly. Physically and mentally, Louisa couldn't cope with anymore emotion. She had to let it out and Steven was just the right person to be with her.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It was a gray, grumpy day but Louisa battled through the rain to get to Primrose Hill. 'Steven' she shouted as she breathlessly reached the bench he was sitting on, underneath his big, black dome of an umbrella.

'Hey Loubelle! Over here!' as e scoffed a chip.

'Loubelle?' Louisa looked at him oddly.

'Yeah, don't you remember? Got some chips for you, .. here.'

'Aaw thanks' Louisa smiled and sat next to him,

'You look a bit pale. Been sick again?' Steven was concerned. Louisa tried to dodge the rain under the umbrella whilst tucking her floral scarf into her coat.

'Sickness bug at school. I wish I could get a penny for every sickness bug I've caught while teaching...' she ate a chip, '...But I wouldn't have it any other way'

'Ah yeah. How's it going at school? St. Barton's, that's where Holly's at, isn't it?'

Louisa stared at Steven- 'My word, he looks like Dad' Louisa thought. It was like he read her mind when he replied, 'Remember Dad buying us chips and telling us to go play in the park?' Steven asked.

'Ha ha Yes! Trouble was, I was two and you were fifteen! Bit of an age gap there'. Louisa could feel the tenion of history starting to rear its ugly head.

'Dad really did try, when everyone left, you know.'

'To try is not good enough, Louisa!' Steven barked.

Louisa ducked her head and tried to hide underneath the umbrella from any passers-by that may second-look.

Steven continuned, 'You were a young child that was deserving of everything in this world. But instead you got NOTHING'.

Louisa could hear the residual rage behind his voice, even after all these years. Steven was on a verbal rampage...

'They did a pretty rubbish job raising me, but the day Mum left for Spain, well, that was the day she became dead to me!'

'You can't say that, Steven.' Louisa said quietly trying to diffuse his obvious frustration.

'...Anyway. How long are you staying here?' He asked,

'Well... I've decided, after everything that erm, I will not be going back to Portwenn' Louisa paused, 'I just can't. Everybody who I've ever loved have left me and I can't go through it again so I'm going to stay in London, work hard and be on my way to becoming a headteacher again. And... that'll be lovely.' Louisa tried to convinve herself as well as Steven.

'But that's not what you want, Loubelle. Not really. you want a family, and a family in Portwenn'

Bugger!, he knew her a bit too well.

'Yes but I'm thirty-seven now, Steven and erm, I'm just losing hope, that's all.' She was worn out but in an attempt to lighten the mood, Steven pointed to a mass of gray cloud in the sky, 'You see that big cloud? Looks like a big, heavy marshmallow- just like Mum's brain.' Louisa gave him a sly look then they both giggled just like when they were children.

Louisa had spent the evening at Holly's straight after school in Wadebridge. Since Eleanor's depature, Veronica, Holly's Mum had been so kind to her and often cooked her very nice meals. Holly's house was big and beautiful, probably the biggest in the village. If Holly and her sisters were attending some event, Veronica would be sure to include Louisa too. Veronica and Terry didn't always see eye to eye, Louisa knew this. After a warm evening of sea bass and sitting in the garden under the sizzling sun, Veronica took Louisa home in her new car, 'How lucky to have parents with a car!' Louisa thought..'You can just head right in to Delabole whenever you want.' Just as they arrived outside Terry and Louisa's tiny cottage, Terry could be seen tring to unlock the front door, swaying from side to side, often holding on to the door frame for suport.

'Your daughter is over here, in case you're concerned, Terrence Glasson!' Veronica said sarcastically, 'She's been fed and watered, in case that concerns you also.'

'Give her back, she's mine' Terry replied with slurred speech.

'The school are wondering if you could possibly get her some new tights?' Veronica continued to bellow.

'SHUT UP' Terry barked, clearly intoxicated. Terry gravved Louisa by the wrist and took her into the house, Veronica huffed and rushed away.

Louisa tried to tell her father about the lovely evening she had. They ate sea bass with peppers followed by Ice cream and then sat on the grass chatting about school. Terry was less than impressed. He too, would have loved to have given his only daughter this lavish lifestyle, but he couldn't. Far from it.

'Money does not buy you happiness' Terry said to her before reapeating it over and over. His horse must have lost today again, Louisa noted. She knew the signs by now.

'Money does not buy you happiness', the words gave Louisa food for thought. She was sat at Holly's terrible book club. She hadn't read any of the book but Holly thought it may be a good idea for her to 'mingle'. There was a mixture of both male and female who each had their own new car, of some sort. Louisa wondered if they were more interested in the expensive wine than the book. 'Can money really buy you happiness?' She thought. 'No' It was a firm 'no' in her mind. All the money in England couldn't get her what she wanted right now. Louisa had wondered at some point if she ever did actually love him. After the last four weeks in London, she knew the answer. Of course she loved him.

When everybody was taking a 'comfort break', Holly gestured for Louisa to see her in her kitchen.

'How you getting on, Lou?' Holly looked a bit merry, also.

'Yes fine. Fine, thank you. You have a broad circle of friends' Louisa laughed.

'Oh it's so good to see you out and enjoying again, Lou. You know, I was getting really worried.'

'I wouldn't use the word 'enjoying', Louisa thought but Holly was only trying to help. Holly poured herself yet another glass of red wine.

'So, in about a fortnight, I'll need to do a six-week review with you. Nothing to worry about, I do it with all of my employees. Just to make sure everything's ok etcetra.'

'Yes that's fine. Erm,... there's a gentleman in there, sitting to my right. Do I know him from somewhere?

'Ah. That's Andrew. Gorgeous, isn't he? Yes, he's a child psychiatrist that works three days a week at the school, you've seen him, I'd imagine'

'That would make sense,..yes...' Before Louisa could finish, Holly interrupted.

'Oh my god, Lou! He's single now!'

Again, Louisa stopped her in her tracks promptly, 'No. That isn't what I was getting to, Holly'

'He has a small baby, seven or... maybe eight months old, I'd say but Hey you'd be a brilliant step-mum!' Holly got excited.

'I'm not sure he'd be looking for a partner, looking after such a young baby, Holly'

'Well, that sort of brings me to my next point' Holly couldn't contain herself... 'Lou, I'm getting married! And I want you to be a bridesmaid.'

'What?!' was all she could say.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

A handwritten letter caught Louisa's eye as she walked one morning, from the kitchen to her small lounge. Her boiling cup of tea steaming up her face and mildly easing the shock of Holly's shotgun wedding. 'Is she pregnant?' Louisa thought. Had the appeal of motherhood finally got its tight grip around Holly? It definitely had had its grip around Louisa for many years. 'Is she finally ready to swap the champagne and lavish dinners for sterilising bottles and singing lullabyes? Louisa had her doubts.

The envelope was brilliant white with a bit of dirt around the edges. She knew the handwriting immediately. She put down her cup of tea and hesitated. She knew it would be emotional, as seemed everything else in her life at the moment. Sitting in her yellow, floral pyjamas on her sofa, she switched the radio off. Complete silence, apart from the ticking of her clock on the fireplace. Louisa took the biggest deep breath, until her lungs would fill no more...

 _'Dearest Louisa,_

 _How are you? I hope you're well. Just a few words to say that we all miss you and are wishing you the best. Holly told Caroline and then Caroline told me that you've seen Steven!? How is he? Crikey, he was a young lad the last time I saw him. I take it he didn't like Australia too much, then? I hope Holly is being kind to you in the new school, if you're still there, that is._

 _Oh good heavens, I miss you. The whole village do not think anything badly of you- we're just all so very sorry that things didn't go to plan. I always look for you whenever I drive through the village, just a hope that I will catch your beautiful face but I hope that you are happier now. I've spoken to Bert a few times since, he becomes tearful whenever your name is mentioned. Joe Penhale often asks how you're doing and what you think about the Bobbies in London! And, my darling nephew, well he's just Martin. Actually no, he's not just Martin. He knows you're in London and he's still working of course but I can see a big, black emptiness behind his sorry eyes. The emptiness of loss and sadness. The day you left, a piece of him left also. His voice is shallow and dull, and his body appears limp and heavy as if every ounce of life within him has been lost. Of course, he hasn't breathed a word about it to me or to anybody. Typical Martin. It's as if the sun doesn't shine so bright here anymore, as if the warmth and cosyness has been sucked away, since you left. Everybody seems to have a suppressed dullness about their days._

 _You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I love you. We all love you. Louisa Glasson- our Cornish rose, always have been, always will be. Whatever you decide to do, grab every star in your reach my girl, and sit among them because that's where you belong. Surround yourself with people who care and love you and that is when you shine. All storms pass, you know that, Louisa. Just promise me one thing; always keep a tiny piece of Portwenn tucked away in your heart and then nobody, ever can take that away from you._

 _Joan X '_

The handwriting became smudged and the paper was now soaking wet. Louisa sobbed and sobbed and let it all out. Just like damn walls being opened, releasing all the built up tension and stiffness. Louisa gently put her hand on her chest; she was sure she could feel the physical pain of her heart shattering. She cried a river of tears and she just couldn't stop. Actually, she didn't want to stop. She felt heartbroken and for very good reasons. Her face had become bright pink and she snuffled whilst looking at her newly-decorated christmas tree.

'Martin Ellingham. You have absolutely turned my world upside down' she said with profound sorrow.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Another bout of tiredness. Her head felt as heavy as a bag of sand and every muscle in her body ached as if recovering from some horrendous marathon. Louisa sat at the front of the coach, taking all of Year one and two to the aquarium before they broke off for Christmas. Miss North and Andrew Bradbury were also attending. Louisa was getting involved in all sorts of things with the school; After-School clubs, breakfast club, swimming on a Wednesday afternoon. It kept her busy but perhaps a little too busy she now thought, 'The anaemia again!' She thought.

She helped the children off the bus with her wide smile. ' I think there may be more children than fish at this aquarium today' Louisa laughed and so did Andrew. She felt very close to happy, Children made her happy; their innocence behind their inquisitive eyes, their sweet giggle after bizarre questions- she loved it! If only she could shake this pain which was the anaemia, she sighed heavily. Louisa slowly walked at the back with tired, little Harry. He had just recovered from chicken pox but was enjoying himself, watching all the weird and wonderful fish. He was tearful at times and Louisa would gently put her arm around him and used the wonder of distraction by pointing at something peculiar.

'How's Harry getting along?' A voice behind her said gently.

'Oh, he's alright. A little tired maybe. How are you, Andrew?' Louisa asked,

'Good thank you. Hope you're settling in ok. I'm only here to assess little Emily over here. I need to see how she's responding to social activities outside the school environment.

'Ah' Louisa felt such sorrow for Emily. Any adult experiencing mental health issues must be so difficult let alone a child.

'...Anyway, how did you find the book club?' Andrew smiled. He had a very handsome smile, a gentle nature. He wasn't very tall, with brown eyes and fair hair. Martin was always very gentle to her but if only he could...No. She wasn't thinking about Martin. Not Today; she was giving the children her undivided attention.

'It was interesting' She replied, 'I've actually never been to one before but Holly thinks I need to 'Mingle'?', Louisa gave a comical, unsure look which made Andrew laugh.

'I know what you mean. I have a little daughter, you see. It's just me and her so I try to get out when I can, really'

'Oh my goodness,' Louisa was surprised.

'Yeah It's tough, I can't lie but we have fun! I'm actually trying to find a nanny just to be with her every Saturday morning. I'm studying again and I don't want to put her in nursery, like she is every other day of the week.'

Louisa was not expecting that, but his positivity towards raising his baby definitely overrode any other troubles he was probably facing.

'I'm sure you're doing a great job, Andrew. What's her name?'

'Lilibeth. She's ten months old. My little princess'

'Hhhhmm. Princess. That word' Louisa thought and grimaced slightly. One word that could bring back a thousand memories.

'Well I'll keep an eye out for you. If I hear of any good nannies, I will definitely let you know.'

'Ah great. Thanks Louisa.'

'Green or purple? Or both? Which would you go for?' Holly quizzed as they walked through Oxford Street. It was lit beautifully with only ten days to go before Christmas.

'Er. I'm not sure. Er, maybe purple?' Louisa would have chosen neither but these were not to be her bridesmaid dresses, she reminded herself.

'The trouble is, with only five weeks to go, we need to make a decision sharpish!'

'Five weeks?! Wow.' Louisa gasped. Holly then gave her a sympathetic look. Well, what Holly thought was one.

'You don't think I'm being insensitive do you, Lou?' I just really want my best friend to be part of my big day. You are...over Martin now, yes?'

Louisa became stuck for words. What on earth was she supposed to say to that?

'Eer Yes! Yes, of course. Poor old Martin. Who is it that you will be marrying again?'

'Pierre' Holly said grinning like a Cheshire cat. Of course it was not true. Not in the slightest, 'I'll never get over him' Louisa thought. Everything reminded her of him. The smell of his washing powder as she walked passed the laundry aisle. The cars that were identical to his as they sped passed her in the street, they all reminded her of exactly what was missing in her life.

'I still need to do your six week review, Lou but you don't have any problems, do you?'

'Er no, none at all'

'The children _adore_ you!' Holly said rather proudly.

'It is a very beautiful school and Miss North is...' Louisa came to a dead stop. She looked at Holly wide-eyed. Six weeks? SIX weeks?!

'I've been at the school for six weeks?' Louisa had to confirm this with Holly.

'Well, a little bit over actually. Flown hasn't it!' Holly exclaimed.

Louisa felt a shiver of panic run from her head right down to her toes. Everything around her became muted, as if somebody had pressed a button. Something was not right. Not right at all.

Six weeks in London. She missed Martin. She missed Portwenn. She had also missed her period.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

She turned from side to side. On her back, on her front, sitting upright- Nothing worked. She lay in bed with a soft glow of an outside street lamp on her face. She was hot. Then too cold. She got up for a drink and then went back to bed. She tried listening to the radio but nothing would do the trick. She knew what it meant, she knew exactly what it meant but daren't to believe it.

'I'll leave it for just another few days' Louisa thought but knew she was trying to fight a losing battle. 3.23am, she had to do the test! She did it in the bathroom of course, trembling like she'd never trembled before. Quickly, she came back to sit on the bed and put the test on the bedside table. She needed to wait two minutes. She sat staring at the wall in front of her, avoiding belief as to what was sitting next to her. 'Surely, this cannot be happening' She whispered 'Don't be silly, Louisa you're not pregnant. She had been stressed and upset and all out of sorts, what could she expect? 'Bound to take it's toll' She thought.

The longest two minutes of her life. Without looking at it, she picked up the test and there was her answer. 'Pregnant' !

Her whole world froze in that second, she just stared at it. She put her hand over her mouth in a sort of slow-motion, 'Oh my goodness. Oh. My. Goodness' She said in a rather wobbly tone. She could feel the tears behind her eyes and wasn't too sure if they were tears of anxiety, happiness, fright or relief but she was certain that the maternal instinct was already kicking in; she felt a surge or maybe a sort of duty to protect the little soul that she now knew was tucked away inside. Louisa needed a cup of tea, she was shocked to her core but she smiled. This was her baby and she was already beginning to feel overwhelmed with pride. 'My baby' she smiled so widely. 'Oh my word! What's Martin going to say?!'

After spending the night completely awake and running through absolutely everything in her mind along with the disabling fear of how Martin might react, she had made it to school for the last day before the Christmas holidays. It was increasingly difficult for Louisa to contain her emotions and she was most definitely experiencing every emotion known to man, but she was not naïve and knew that having a positive pregnancy test was one thing, actually carrying a baby was another. So she was just to carry on with her days as normally as possible. Louisa and Kate North sat on the most uncomfortable wooden seats. The children were hosting a choir for parents and friends and anybody who wished to join in the festivities.

'So, I take it you'll be back in January?' Kate asked her excitedly. Louisa was so thankful for Kate and felt as though she had known her for much longer than she actually had.

'Er, yes, I do hope so!' Louisa was unsure. There was a lot she was unsure of since most recent events.

'You hesitated? Not enjoying so much? Are you still missing Cornwall, is that it?' Kate looked upset

'Yes, that. But erm, well the thing is, err...' Louisa was uncertain whether she should mention it but she wanted to tell somebody; she felt she could trust Kate.

'...I was up all of last night because...Well when I left Cornwall, me and er...' Louisa shook her head at herself.

'...I found out last night that I'm pregnant'

Kate's mouth opened widely and mouthed 'Oh my god'

Louisa smiled at her. It almost felt more real now, somebody apart from just herself knew about her baby. Louisa began to laugh, even with all her troubles, she was over the moon.

'Oh my!...Lou!' Oh Congratulations!' Kate was almost jumping in her seat but Louisa had to remind her to keep it subtle.

'It's so early on so I would be grateful if this didn't go any further, I mean, Holly doesn't know yet. I want to make sure everything is fine before I tell everybody.'

'Of course! my lips are sealed. I'm just so happy! How far along are you?'

'Well, about six weeks or thereabout.' She subtly touched her tummy. She smiled.

'But I do need to get it confirmed, and I also have a lot of mess to tidy up now- the baby's father and so on.' Louisa looked down to the floor, she felt ashamed somehow; that she was responsible for everything going wrong.

'But you're happy about it, yes?' Kate looked uncertain.

Louisa smiled again, 'Couldn't be any happier'

Kate put her hand over Louisa's wrist and whispered, 'You're just the person for the job' They both laughed- Louisa rather nervously. As they left the church, the sky had fallen dark and the stars looked as though it had been sprinkled with glitter. Louisa said her goodbyes to Kate and to all of the children, which made her feel sad and slightly lonely. It was just like saying goodbye to the children in Portwenn all over again. Louisa wrapped herself up and began her walk home. She walked along the Thames as she often did. It was a bitterly cold night but being next to the water made it feel like she was being cuddled, as if she was home again. The icy breeze howled in her face, which made her cheeks and tip of her nose turn a dark pink colour. She wondered if her baby would like the sea, 'I'm sure she will' She giggled. She then stopped herself again; She was making assumptions that she promised herself she wouldn't do. she was determined to carry on as normal until she was given the go-ahead. And 'she'? Where did that come from? She wondered.

It would be icy cold in Portwenn also. She sat on the edge of the bed waiting for the alarm. Once it went off, she knew she could go downstairs. The clock struck 7am and Louisa bolted down the stairs as fast as a flash of lightning. Dad was of course still asleep, heavily induced by alcohol. So she waited. She looked out of the living room window, which displayed the harbour in all it's beauty. There was not a soul on the street outside, just a few stray cats wondering their way around the now glistening, concrete road. She wondered if her Mum would walk up that same road to visit her only daughter on Christmas day. She felt a tug on her stomach as well as her heart strings. She knew the answer. So she sat and looked at her few, small gifts. She was always a grateful child and was pleased to receive anything from anybody. Louisa put the radio on which was playing a Paul McCartney song as she put red bows in her beautifully long hair. She wondered who would be at their front door first. It was a first-come, first-serve basis and every year was a constant argument between Joan and Bert and even Veronica this year, as to who would be taking Louisa for Christmas dinner whilst Terry sat in the pub. Whoever got their hands on Louisa first, took her to their place. The last two years had been with Joan but she secretly wished it would be Veronica this year, she had such fun at Holly's. The door bell rang and...she was thrown back to reality.

'This baby's not going through what I did' and that, was one thing Louisa _was_ sure of.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The big, modern building was rather intimidating. It looked like some sort of spaceship, she thought as she walked towards the clinic. The GP had confirmed the pregnancy by blood test but she was to go for an ultrasound as there was a bit of uncertainty regarding dates. The GP also subtly threw in that Louisa was an 'older' first-time mum so an ultrasound would also provide reassurance. As she approached the clinic, that's all she could do was hope and pray that everything was ok. 'I don't think I can handle any more heartache' She thought. She felt a sense of sadness also, she knew that the father should be there. But he wasn't. Another thing she couldn't handle at this moment in time- Martin's wrath.

She lay flat on her back, staring at the plain white ceiling. The radiographer looked at her occasionally to smile. Louisa daren't ask if everything was ok and the radiographer said nothing. Absolutely nothing for what seemed like a lifetime. Louisa held her hands together in an attempt to stop them shaking.

'Ok Miss Glasson. Your last period was when?'

'Eer...about six weeks ago' She said nervously, biting her lip. 'How is everything?'

The radiographer gave a loving smile. She had seen thousands of women in this very situation, 'Well, why don't you take a look!' She swung the screen around so that it was directly in Louisa's face.

'Here you go, that's baby...Just there!' She pointed.

Louisa stared at the grainy image. Just stared. She had waited her whole life to see her very own grainy image. Louisa bit her lip and let a solitary tear run down her face.

'It's moving. It's moving! That's my baby!' Louisa's tears of joy turned into laughter. She couldn't take her eyes away. Nothing had ever looked so perfect and it was most definitely active!

'Certainly is! Looks like we're a bit big for six weeks also'

'Oh really?' Louisa said, concerned.

'You're ten and a half weeks along, Miss Glasson.'

'Oh. Oh my little sweet. Ten and a half weeks!' Louisa was not expecting that. She was so happy.

'Here, listen to the heartbeat'

The radiographer and Louisa sat watching and listening for a few minutes. Louisa couldn't take her eyes away and could make out a little head and a tiny arm, at times.

'So, you'll be back in about two weeks for your twelve week scan but little angel is definitely happy and healthy in there.'

Little angel. Little angel. That's what it most definitely was. One parent was absolutely delighted of the news, the other parent had no idea it even existed.

Louisa and Steven were meeting at their new favourite place, where they could watch the world go by; Primrose Hill.

'Tell you what, Loubelle. Let's spend Christmas day togther'

'He's in a good mood' Louisa thought, 'Yes, let's! I'll cook!'

'Lovely. Really sorry though Lou, I can't get you anything much this year. The computer company haven't been doing so well this year and well, I'm lucky to still have a job!'

'No, no. I don't need any presents. Actually, I've just received the best present...' She reached in to her brown, leather bag and held the image proudly. 'Look! Due to arrive end of July. What do you think, Uncle Steven?'

He looked both shocked and excited in just one look. 'My baby sister's pregnant!?' He jump off the wooden bench and held Louisa so tight, she thought she had lifted off the ground at one point.

'Aah Lou! This is brilliant! Uncle Steven- Yeah I like it!'

Louisa laughed and shrugged her shoulders. She couldn't remember seeing him so happy or vice versa for that matter.

'You are keeping it, right?' Steven just wanted to make sure but Louisa looked horrified.

'I am absolutely keeping it!...' Louisa had a burning fire behind her words. '...which is erm, why I haven't told the father yet'

She desperately wanted to tell Martin, she was engulfed with guilt since she had found out but if he so much as breathed a negative word about the baby; she feared she may attack him, verbally of course. There would only be one thing on his mind- abortion. She shuddered at even the thought. Anyhow, it was still very early. She didn't want to cause any undue upset.

'You're gonna have to tell him, Lou. He better not mess you about, although he seems pretty good with the one he's got.' Steven remarked.

Louisa turned her head swiftly at him. 'The one he's got?'

'Yeah. You know, can't be very old. Wife just upped and left'

Louisa had never heard of any wife or child! Is that why he couldn't marry her? Surely, Joan would have said something? How could he have kept a secret like that? Her head was spinning!

'What wife? I've never seen or heard of a child. What are you talking about, Steven?' She was in a panic.

'Bradbury. He's the father, isn't he? Holly said you were getting along nicely' Steven winked at her.

'OH MY GOODN...Holly! Ruddy Holly!' Her eyes widened with anger. Steven wondered what he had said that was so wrong.

'Myself and Andrew aren't even friends, we're work colleagues. Wait until I see Holly!'

Louisa took a deep breath. She couldn't afford to get wound up like that now. 'Martin's the father'

'Oh I see' Steven stroked Louisa's hand.

'Don't get upset, Loubelle. But you are gonna have to get somewhere bigger now, not enough room in that flat especially when he starts walking!'

This gave Louisa food for thought... and lots of it.

They both sat opposite each other unable to speak due to the amount of food they had just consumed. Louisa had been cooking since 8am- she wanted it to be perfect. Steven drank wine whilst she sipped orange juice. Louisa had decorated the flat so beautifully, mainly red and gold- her favourite colours. The lights around the room twinkled and Louisa couldn't remember the last time she had spent Christmas with Steven. She drifted off into a doze as she stared at her Christmas tree. She tried to imagine next Christmas. Her baby would probably be crawling and attempting to grab everything within reaching distance. She giggled, what a sweet thought! A little girl or a little boy, she didn't mind. There'll be a stocking for them above the fire and Louisa would be sure to buy the best educational as well as fun books and toys. She didn't know why but she was imagining a baby with dark hair and green eyes, just like her. A beautiful smile with rosy cheeks, babbling and giggling away. No matter what, this baby would get nothing but the best and it was already Louisa's pride and joy. She could barely wait, but...there was still Martin. Completely out of the blue, Louisa became tearful but of course attempted to hide it but didn't escape Steven. Never did.

'Hey, hey, hey! What's wrong?'

Louisa tried to brush herself off. She hated a fuss. 'Nothing,...it's just..'

'Just what?' Steven was concerned although he suspected this may be because of these 'hormones' everyone spoke about.

'I'm having this baby and...and Martin should know and...he'll want to get rid of it...and I just can't...I can't do it, Steven!' She sobbed.

'Hey! This isn't _just_ Martin's baby. Nobody's going to make you do anything, got it? Just stay here in London, Lou. Me and you, us Glasson's have stomachs of steel and we battle through anything that comes our way!'

Louisa smiled shyly and nodded. Maybe, after all, that was the best thing to do.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It was just perfect. So perfect. The sun was shining through the tinted glass windows, the air was crisp and bright. There was a church choir singing their hymns just waiting for her to arrive. Everybody wore their best and a trail of soft, white feathers tickled the floor. It was perfect except for one thing; it wasn't her wedding. Holly's big day had arrived so quickly. Christmas had been and gone and Louisa stood in her bright purple dress which was slightly ill-fitting now. As she slowly walked down the aisle just before Holly, the raw, gut-wrenching emotion hit her like a train. Just two and a half months ago, it was meant to be her, with Martin at the end of her short walk, waiting to spend the rest of his life with her. Anyhow, she took a sharp intake of breath and gave her wide smile to anybody who cared to look. Louisa herself looked very beautiful although she did not feel it. She could just feel the dress tightening around her tummy, a little, round bump was beginning to form although she was fairly certain nobody would notice at this early stage. She hadn't told Holly yet, she would wait until after the wedding. And so down Holly walked with a few gasps from the guests. It was a brilliant white dress with feathers on the shoulders. The trail behind the dress looked like it was about twenty feet long and absolutely _everything_ Holly wore was covered in diamonds. It was probably the most expensive dress Louisa had ever seen, it was definitely 'out there' but Louisa expected nothing less from the ever- eccentric Holly. She laughed and despite her ordeal, she was overjoyed for Holly, 'Absolutely everybody deserves to be happy' Louisa thought.

The ceremony proceeded smoothly and the reception was now taking place in some posh hall that Holly had found in a suburb of London. Louisa didn't know very many guests but she recognised a few from her time in College and she sat mainly next to Kate and a few others from St. Barton's. The food was delicious and the wines and ales were flowing nicely- it was just a shame she couldn't have any but she felt happy. Sort of. Seeing other people happy made her happy. Louisa coughed slightly- such a dry throat, must have been the cheesecake she had eaten for dessert. She needed some fresh air so she put on a light cardigan which she had kept in her clutch bag just in case.

The grand venue sat on the most picturesque grounds. It was beginning to get dark but the hundreds of outside lamps gave a warm feeling to a very cold evening. There were freshly trimmed, rolling hills and the grass that she stood on was still wet from the frost but this was the closest she'd felt to home in such a long time. There was the raucous roar of everybody in the hall enjoying themselves and the hushed sound of the motorway was never far away but no matter how much she'd try to convince herself over the last two to three months, City life was not for her. She belonged in amongst the greenery with the 'swish' of the sea right by her side. Busyness was not what she liked- it wasn't what she knew and it wasn't something that she could get used to. Could she bare watching her child grow up in such a fast, insignificant place? She wondered before concluding, 'No' she whispered to herself. Suddenly, without warning, somebody tapped her shoulder. She nearly jump out of her skin.

'What are you doing out here? It's freezing!' It was Kate.

Louisa tried to catch her breath after that fright.

'Sorry, Louisa. Sorry. Are you alright? You were a million miles away there' Kate put her hand on Louisa's shoulder. They really had got along so well and Kate had been exceptionally supportive. She even let Louisa do a bit of teaching at times too, without Holly's knowledge of course.

'Yes, just...thinking, but hasn't it been a fantastic day!?'

'Yeah! Can't say I was shocked with all this expenditure though, that's Holly all over, hey!' Kate and Louisa nodded and giggled.

'Anyway...' Kate continued '...How's baby?' Kate whispered, 'All ok? How was your second scan?'

Louisa instantly beamed, 'Oh it was perfect, thank you. Nearly fourteen weeks now!' Louisa very gently tapped her tummy and loved telling Kate what the baby was doing during the scan.

'It's growing and growing and when they were taking a look, it was so busy! Louisa laughed then continued, 'We tried all different positions to get the best image; lying down, on my side, on my back, sitting up but by the end I think it got a bit tired, looked like she was sucking her thumb!' Louisa proudly spoke of the little life growing and developing every minute of the day. She laughed and Kate did too. Louisa sometimes wondered if Kate was more excited about the baby than she was. Kate was young and hadn't started a family yet but Louisa thought it may not be too long, the way she was cooing over Louisa's.

'Louisa, you are absolutely glowing. You know you're going to be brilliant, don't you?'

Louisa squeezed her lips together, she felt like she wasn't doing a brilliant job so far.

'Hhhmm well things are a bit complicated, with the little one's Dad and so forth.' She sighed. Why did it have to be this way?

Kate gave a reassuring look. 'Well, it's none of my business to ask and I'm sure it's not ideal but it wouldn't matter because this lucky little angel will have you and I know that you'll be perfect'

'Oh Kate' Louisa was humbled. Deeply humbled.

'Oh...and you said 'she'? I think it's a boy! You're carrying low.' Kate winked and walked off with a glass of wine in her hand. Louisa looked at her tummy in shock.

'Carrying what low?' said another voice. Louisa turned abruptly.

'Oh Andrew. Hi. Oh err,..nothing just a little joke Kate and I were sharing. You've brought Lilibeth!' Andrew looked very smart in his navy suit, he was also wheeling a black pram with him.

'Yes! This is her. Just thought I'd bring her out here for a while, get away from the noise.' He said in a gentle manner.

'Ah can't blame you, there.'

'We couldn't make the day ceremony. Lilibeth had her class at Tiny Toads and I really don't want her to miss that- she loves it!'

Louisa admired Andrew. He was doing everything possible to make his child happy and she was obviously his top priority. She had no idea what 'Tiny Toads' was but in just a few months time, she would be in exactly the same situation as Andrew. She could only hope that that she'd manage as well as he did.

'Would you like to say Hello to Louisa, Lilibeth?'

Louisa jumped at the chance and peered into the pram where Lilibeth lay. 'My word, She's beautiful!' She took Louisa's breath away. She wore a baby-pink dress with white tights and she had a tiny silver bangle on her left wrist. She had her beautiful, dark eyes wide open and waved her arms as she looked at Louisa.

'Hello Lilibeth. I've heard a lot about you!' Louisa said happily and gently but she had a feeling of deep, deep sadness. It all seemed to piece together all in a second- Why Andrew was a single Dad to an eleven month old baby, why Lilibeth's Mother was nowhere to be seen and why Andrew looked rather mature to be a first-time Dad. Little Lilibeth had Down's Syndrome. Louisa's heart broke.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

There were several loud, harsh bangs on the front door. 'Hello? Who is it?' She was a little startled. She sat upright in bed before making her way down the stairs. She peered at the front door from the foot of the stairs.

'LOUISA. IT'S BILL' in a loud and urgent tone.

'Ah Bill from the pub…..' Louisa was relieved 'I'm coming.'

'Louisa, come and fetch your dad. He's fallen asleep in my pub again!'

So again, Louisa got dressed as quick as a blink of an eye and made her way to the crab. This was not an oddity now especially since Mum had left but she was sure that it was her dad that kept that pub afloat- he was most certainly a loyal customer!

'Dad. DAD! You need to go home now.' Louisa shook her father at one of his shoulders as he slumped on the floor against the pool table.

'Aah my princess. Louisa go get your old dad a scratchcard and a fillet of fish.' He waved a five pound note in front of Louisa's face.

'No! Dad, you need to go home, to bed. I'm looking after Al today.'

'Well tell Bert Large to look after his own. The lazy little…..' He nodded off again.

After much coaxing, Louisa managed to get her dad on his way; wrapping her arms around his waist as he wobbled back up the hill. Terry usually slurred to Louisa how good she was and how lucky they were to have her, and how much he loved the pub and how much he loved Eleanor and the slurring just went on and on. Louisa rolled her eyes and she could finally pick up little Al. She _adored_ looking after him. She also watched Pauline at times also who a few months older than Al was. But secretly, Al was her favourite; such a calm, good baby. He was 2 years old now and Louisa loved nothing more than pushing him in his stroller around the village. Sometimes they would catch the bus to Delabole where Mrs Langdon would give them both a free piece of chocolate. So many sunny afternoons were spent on the platt, just the two of them. Louisa would help Al count the boats or if there were none, they would lay on their backs and count the clouds. When the weather was particularly hot , Louisa would be sure to take a change of clothes for Al so they could both hold hands, count to 3 and run into the sea- only to little Al's ankles of course and Louisa would never let him go. It was such fun. They would both laugh loudly and Al would chuckle his little head off trying to splash Louisa. These were the days that she loved; the days where she could be a child herself again, enjoy herself and believe as though she had not a care in the world. As if everything around her was just a bad dream.

25 years on and she would still be doing the same but with Andrew Bradbury's little one.

'Thank you so much for doing this, Louisa.' Andrew shouted as he was halfway through his front door.

'My pleasure' Louisa beamed holding up little Lilibeth to wave goodbye to her daddy.

'I'll be a few hours max…..oh and Holly said she was going to pop in, wants to speak to you abouth something?'

'Oh, here at your place? Oh, ok. Please don't rush back Andrew, we'll be fine.'

As Andrew left, Louisa worried about what Holly wanted. Maybe she'd found out about the pregnancy? She knew Holly would feel betrayed but she was just waiting for the right time. Maybe she was losing her job at the school? Oh dear. She knew just how sharp tongued Holly could be- she was sure she knew her better than anybody but Lilibeth was her priority for now.

'Well how about this, Lilibeth? We're going to have such a nice time.' Louisa bounced her on her hip….. 'and will give me lots of practice' louisa whispered and stroked her little cheek. She was a delight of a baby. Both she and Andrew lived in a very nice, smart house about 2 miles from the school. It was a fairly new house and was completely modern inside. The living room was of very good size and the kitchen was light and airy, looking out to the long, lush garden. A perfect house for bringing up children, Louisa thought. There was plenty of room, a big garden and Andrew had most definitely made a beautiful home for his daughter. 'How could it be so immaculate?' she thought. There was a little playpen in the kitchen which contained all sorts of different toys and Andrew had put her rocking crib in the living room for when she got tired.

They spent their time together reading and playing with toys and also admired the flowers in the garden. Lilibeth chuckled and Louisa wondered how any mother could leave behind this gorgeous baby or any baby for that matter. Louisa shook her head in disbelief. She wanted to hold Lilibeth forever, never let her go. She didn't want her to grow up feeling the way she did just because her mother showed no interest. If only Lilibeth could understand just how beautiful she was, never to feel disowned or inadequate, to always believe her worth and to look after her self-esteem, because essentially, that's what her mother was doing. Even as a first-time pregnant mum, Louisa couldn't bear the thought of leaving her own child. She'd only known of her little one for a few weeks but already felt a bond so strong and had never felt anything like it. She had fallen in love as soon as she saw a positive test result but as soon as she saw that grainy image of her baby, she was besotted.

After a busy afternoon of playing and giggling, Lilibeth was finally drifting off in Louisa's arms. She was a heavy baby but loved being cuddled and of course Louisa couldn't resist. As she was cradled back and forth, she finally gave in and shut her eyes completely. Louisa couldn't wait to do this with her own. Just as she lay the baby in her crib, the front door opened along with a squeal…..'Lou, Lou!'. Holly.

'So, you're on babysitting duties today then?' Holly winked.

'Sssh. I've just put her down. Let's go in the kitchen.'

Holly went ahead and made herself at home- as she did in most places, and put the kettle on.

'How are things?' Louisa asked shyly. Holly was in a good mood.

'Lou, I have some good news. Mr. Lewis, teaching year 5, handed in his notice yesterday. Aargh.'

'Oh'

'I want you to go for it, Lou. Say you'll go for it!?'

'Eerr' this completely threw her.

'A brilliant salary, a swank car, and each day spent working alongside yours truly. You'll be well on your way!'

Holly could see that Louisa was hesitant and was making little eye contact. Holly sighed becoming very inpatient. She sat down close to Louisa. Louisa began fiddling with her very slack fitting cardigan.

'What's wrong, Lou? Have you lost your confidence?'

Louisa knew that she now just had to come out with it, she was nearing 4 months along.

'I'm pregnant.'

'What?'

'4 months next Wednesday'

'Www…..What?' Holly was genuinely lost for words as she tried to work it all out in her head.

Louisa stood to make them both a cup of tea. She wanted that information to sink in before continuing their conversation.

'Sorry. I'm so sorry, Lou. I'm just a bit…shocked!'

'So was I. But it's real, its happening and I really want it to.

'Well….I wasn't expecting that…..But you could still go for it! The job, I mean. Oh please say you will?'

Louisa sighed. This wasn't what she wanted or needed at this moment in time but Holly was trying so hard to help her. She looked at Holly- her hair in an immaculate up do, her navy suit with a white blouse and could never imagine her carrying a child or going through childbirth, so whatever Louisa said would be completely alien to her.

'I'll think about it.' Was all Louisa could come out with.

Louisa now knew that with Holly possessing this new information, it would no longer be a secret.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

'Come on, Louisa, it has to go!' Martin barked as he held her wrist, dragging her through an unrecognisable London street.

'NO MARTIN' she screamed as she tried to fight back.

'It has to go before it gets too big! Now move along'

'No. No! Absolutely not! Let go Martin. MARTIN!'

Louisa was woken with a kick to her tummy. A rather big kick too. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and got up from the bed. 2pm. She had slept for 3 hours. Her nasty cough still hadn't shifted and she was feeling very weak. Another kick! 'At least one of us is lively!' Louisa laughed. These little kicks always put a smile on her face. It was as though the baby was trying to get its mother's attention. After that horrendous, gut-wrenching nightmare, she had to shower. The humidity in the shower did nothing for her chest, it was as though this awful cold had its claw gripped on her airway. Never mind, she was sure to feel better soon. She touched her round bump. 5 months. 5 glowing months. She stroked it in little circles, it was hard in places and already felt fit to burst! She has been feeling overwhelmed and very grateful for the well-wishers and words of support from everybody at the school. Andrew was of good hints and tips and offered Louisa a helping hand whenever she may need it, just like she had done for him.

'Oh just another 4 months to go, little one and then you're all mine' she joked.

The truth of the matter was that, it wasn't just hers. It was Martin's baby also, as well as Joan's great niece or nephew. Neither of which had any idea. Another wave of guilt washed over her like a frothy wave swipes the shore. She also felt as though she was depriving her baby of what was rightfully theirs- a father, a family. But she felt that the image she had just dreamed, wouldn't be too far from reality. She was only doing her role, her duty as a new mum- protecting her little one. 'Let's get ready for Uncle Steven.'

'It's perfect, Loubelle'

She wasn't convinced.

'Look…..a big room for you and an even bigger room for baby.'

Louisa, Steven and an estate agent awkwardly stood in another London flat. Steven was trying his best to get Louisa to move in but it would take a lot more than persuasive chat to sway her.

'Yeah, yeah look…pushchair can be parked here whilst the TV sits in that corner' Steven really tried.

'Hhmm, yes I know, but..'

'And a nice bathroom. I can just imagine his little rubber ducks sitting over there. Nice bubble baths and all that.'

'Yes but Steven, there's no garden again, there's no view apart from more buildings, and just how am I supposed to get a pushchair up all those steps outside?'

It was a bigger flat but was this time, in a much bigger building and on the second floor. How big the rooms were did not matter so much to Louisa but instead, what surrounded these rooms.

'Well I'm sorry Lou but you aint going to be getting sea views and acres of land in a flat, in the middle of London!' Steven was losing his patience.

Louisa turned to the estate agent 'It's very pleasant but no thank you'. She gently put the estate agents portfolio back on the kitchen counter and took herself outside. Steven quickly followed.

'What's the matter now?' He was shouting.

'What do you mean, what's the matter?' Louisa raised her voice slightly. Both equally annoyed with one another.

'A reasonable flat right in front of you but no, not good enough!'

'No it wasn't good enough, actually, Steven.'

'You know, that's what's wrong here. Everybody's trying to help but you're not interested. I bring you to this flat- not good enough. Holly offers you a promotion- not good enough. So what _is_ good enough?'

Louisa hissed 'Good enough? Let me tell you what wasn't good enough…. Mum and Dad constantly arguing, Mum leaving me to fend for myself at the age of 12, _you_ just dipping in and out of my life whenever you feel. That's what isn't good enough, Steven!'

'This isn't about that and you know it. Stop thinking about your independence and think about the people trying to help you.'

'In case you hadn't noticed, my independence has been the only thing I've had. I have my baby to think about now so sorry if I come across a bit you know …picky' she said sarcastically.

'Just get that GP in Cornwall to pay, for goodness sake. Call him.'

'This isn't a game, Steven. I have fallen pregnant completely unexpectedly by a man who couldn't marry me and in 4 months' time, his baby will be here. It's not a case of just _calling_ people'.

Steven lowered his tone, 'You know, that baby will hate you forever, if you keep his father away.'

The words tore through her heart like a hot dagger. After everything, how could he be so hurtful? Unfortunately, she knew that there was some truth behind his words. That's possibly why it stung even more. She had nothing more to say to him. She straightened her back, huffed and walked away in a typical Louisa fashion.

The more upset she got, the worse her cough became so she took a few deep breaths to calm herself. He had been so unimaginably cruel. Where did it matter to him where she lived or where she worked? It had never bothered him before. When he lost his temper, he morphed into Eleanor, without quite so much make up and without the long hair. Right in that moment, outside the flat, he was just like Eleanor. Two peas in a pod, she realised. And to make things worse, she felt as ropey now as she did when she first arrived in London. She had had this cold for about a month now but had refrained from buying any over the counter medication as she didn't want to take anything unnecessarily. As she coughed, she tried to relax and keep herself calm even with Steven's poisonous words on her mind. Just as she got comfortable, there was a knock on her door. 'Hhmm that'll be Steven' she thought until she heard the all familiar…'Loooou…' Oh no. Louisa dragged herself to the door.

'Hi Lou. How's my favourite baby doing?' Said Holly as she barged her way through to the lounge. Louisa secretly rolled her eyes like she did with her father.

'Fine thanks. Everything ok?'

'Oh God, Lou. You sound _awful_. Anything I can do for you, Sweetheart?'

 _Sweetheart_? She was grovelling- Louisa knew her _that_ well.

'Oh no, I'll be fine thanks. Was there anything you wanted to talk about?'

'Yes. I can't stay long. Pierre's outside, we have a mini break booked in Venice. Everyone needs a break, don't they?' She was always dashing off somewhere fancy!

'Yes of course. Venice? Ooh very nice. I'm sure you'll have a great time.' Said Louisa, still very bewildered as to why Holly was there.

'I've been thinking, Lou. The other week when you told me about, you know…The pregnancy. Your pregnancy. I wasn't being reasonable and well….I'm delighted, really I am. Ah the curiosity of a new life. I have this for you…..'

With that, she handed Louisa a little paper parcel which looked expensive before Louisa had even touched it.

'Open it!' Holly couldn't wait to see her reaction.

Louisa slowly and carefully opened it bit by bit. It was fairly heavy. Louisa was blown away just like the stems flying off a dandelion. It was a very soft, white knitted blanket. It was completely white apart from the yellow embroidered lettering at the bottom right which very simply said 'Baby Glasson'. Louisa was speechless. It was absolutely beautiful and it was the first ever thing to be bought for the baby.

'Oh my goodness! Holly, this is just…oh my word.'

'Handmade! I met somebody who makes them and I just utterly fell in love with it. Just a little gift from Aunty Holly. He's going to be a special one, Lou'….Holly winked and dashed to the front door. 'Anyway, must go. See you Tuesday.'

'Ok, Bye Holly. And thank you' she was emotional again. Always so emotional, she thought.

Holly really did mean well and Louisa really did love her. They grew up together, struggled through all of life's obstacles together, dreamed together and now the next, most exciting bit- children! She knew she could always turn to Holly- like she had done these past few months. Louisa knew that it was just a shock to her and was fairly certain that her earlier frustrations were because she cared.

She sat examining every stitch and it was just beautiful. It was soft and warm. It would definitely be of good use. 'Aren't you lucky…..Baby Glasson' Aah How lovely, she thought.

She really had no choice but to lie in bed. This cold really did have its grip on her. She was completely lifeless and kept getting into fits of coughing to top it off. As the night went on, she was becoming increasingly worried. She switched on her bedside lamp and squinted to look at the time, 2.17am. She sat up in bed trying to catch her breath. She had one hand on her chest and one on her tummy. She was trying to calm the baby as well as herself. At 3.06am, she resorted to calling Steven. No answer. She tried again….and again- no answer. In the end, she left a voicemail message for him….

'Steven, Hi. Could you just come to my flat as soon as you can….I can't breathe!'


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Steven frantically slouched Louisa in a wheelchair at reception and ran right down the middle of the building in search of an A&E department. He ran and ran whilst Louisa sat feeling completely helpless and out of her mind with worry. The sweat was dripping off him.

'Steven?' she sounded terribly groggy and began to cough again.

'It's ok Lou. It's ok. We're nearly there' he said nervously.

With how poorly Louisa looked and her obvious current condition, once they arrived in the department, she was taken immediately and put on a bed. She felt exhausted, her lips were grey and was shivering although the nurse confirmed her temperature to be 39.1 C. Steven sat in the waiting area; he would only get in the way and Louisa kept trying to talk to him resulting in her fighting for breath again. Louisa was sat just the other side of the wall, willing the nurses to do whatever they needed to. She had tried to fight this horrible infection but hadn't succeeded.

'How is the baby? Have I done something wrong? Is she going to be ok?'

'Try not to worry, Miss Glasson. Baby's heartrate is fine but you're not looking so good, hey. We're going to try and get you into the mother and baby unit so that we can monitor you both' The nurse said calmly.

'Oh my goodness.'

Steven sat completely still with his hands on his knees. He felt awful. Just awful. He had been harsh, he'd barked at his little sister and now she was poorly. Maybe she had caught some tropical disease? Maybe she had tried to fight the stress for just too long.

The nurse approached him…. 'Mr Glasson?'

'Yes. You've been seeing to my sister, what's happening? She's been on about some nasty cold or something?'

'Well, we're still doing some tests so we're not 100% certain at this moment but we're treating her. We will keep an eye on baby also. You should get some rest.'

'Pneumonia, Miss Glasson. Luckily, we've caught it in good time.' Dr. Tawalaski said.

Louisa was horrified. How on earth did she get Pneumonia? Did this mean that the baby had it too? She lay on her bed in the Mother and baby unit. Everything was exceptionally modern although the hospital was the last place she wanted to be. Some of the other Mums on the unit had already had their babies- Louisa didn't and it was the only person she was worried about. She had been there for a few hours and had mostly slept which calmed her mind and body. The face mask they had given to her prove to be a godsend and instead of battling to win some air, she just drifted off into the soothing arms of a well-deserved sleep.

'So we're giving you a medication called Salbutamol as well as oxygen via your face mask. This will help you breath much more easily as well as ensuring the foetus receives sufficient oxygen. The IV drip in your hand is there to provide you with antibiotics that will kill off the infection that showed up on your chest x-ray.'

It was good to know but what about 'the foetus' as the doctor called it.

'Ok thank you very much. Is the baby going to be alright?'

'We're monitoring and there are no concerns, everything is well within range. It's you that's our main concern, Miss Glasson. So we'll keep you in for a few days just for precautionary measures but I advise you to take at least four weeks off work.'

She thanked the very kind doctor again. If it wasn't for him and all of the staff nurses, she'd be _very_ poorly by now. She couldn't believe she had let it get to this. Pneumonia? She shook her head. Instead of listening to her body, she just had to plough on through, ignoring any signs. She felt a fool. She looked down at her tummy. 'I'm really not doing a good job of this, am I? I can't even take care of you when you're physically stuck to me!' She'd let her baby down again, she felt. This would never had happened if Martin was here, she noted.

'He would be looking out for us, wouldn't he?' She whispered to her now bungee jumping baby. Certainly felt that way. Louisa giggled. 'He's a kind man, your Dad. He's very tall, much taller than Mummy! He has piercing blue eyes and big ears!' She laughed cheekily. She had so much time to think whilst in the unit, a little too much time. She had told Steven to go home whilst he slept. When she momentarily shut her eyes, she could almost hear the faint sound of the seagulls and cattle. The odd combination which would breeze through the village. And the fresh smell of trimmed hedges and lawns along with the sea fish smell- which nobody could ever escape. It was the familiar faces was what she longed for the most; you couldn't go very far without somebody stopping you to chat or wondered what you had in your shopping bag. The familiar faces that had helped her through many difficult and many happy times. She felt that she now needed those people more than ever. It wasn't oxygen or antibiotics she needed, it wasn't bedrest or a friendly manner, she needed Portwenn. She needed Martin. Her mind was now, after many weeks of turmoil, made up.

The following morning, Steven popped his head around the door. 'Hi. May I come in? I come in peace?' He joked and Louisa laughed. Steven was astonished at how much better and brighter Louisa looked! She was feeling much more like herself today, actually, the best she had felt in weeks. She was sitting up and was eager to get up and about. Steven kissed her on the cheek.

'How are you feeling?' He asked shyly.

'Much better today thank you. I've had some oxygen and antibiotics. Nice of you to visit.'

'You gave me a fright yesterday, you know. Here, got some flowers for you. Don't say I never spoil you' He winked….. 'You know, Lou, seeing you like that, I just felt so…..just completely…I'm just trying to say…I'm so sorry.' He blurted quite emotionally.

Louisa looked at him forgivingly, 'I think we were both unreasonable with each other…'

'I honestly had no idea you felt so ill or otherwise no way would you have been in that flat on your own!'

'Honestly Steven, it's all fine now and this little one seems fine too, Thank goodness.'

'Isn't life too short to argue, though?'

'Of course it is.' She went to hold Steven's hand. Before continuing, 'It's too short for anything except for being happy and you can't put a price on it. We just waste so much time being angry or fearful or upset and we really mustn't. I've really had a wakeup call, Steven and that's why…It's why I've decided to go back to Portwenn.' Louisa smiled and felt a massive sense of relief as if she was admitting what she knew in her heart was right from day one.

Steven smiled as if he had just found a pound. 'Oh Loubelle. You know, I'm really sorry I struggle to go back there. Too many buried emotions but that's where you belong, Lou. And I am so pleased you're going _home_.' Steven was strangely emotional today but continued with his speech to Louisa…. 'You belong there, just like bears belong in the woods. I knew you wouldn't like it here and why should you have to pretend just for the sake of appearances?! Don't ever let anybody push you away from your home ever again.'

Louisa's face completely softened. He was a big softy really and she would never want anything to happen to him.

'Steven, thank you. I've waited so long for this baby, a little boy or girl that I get to love and bring up. I couldn't bare raising them away from Cornwall and away from their father…..

Staying in London goes against everything I've ever wanted. It's time for me to go home'


End file.
